Dave's Anatomy: My History As A Writer, #14: Writing As Revenge and Healing

Everyone has heard the old joke, "Don't get on the wrong side of a writer or they'll write you in as a character." It's true. John Gardner did not like the philosophy of Jean Paul Sartre, so he makes a character in his novel, Grendel—the character is Grendel himself—spout off and espouse that philosophy. If you know anything about Grendel from Beowulf, which Gardner's novel is based on, you know he was not a particularly likeable creature. Neither is Gardener's character and he becomes, in effect, a surrogate Sartre. Other examples exist, and one existed for me. Now, a certain amount of gleeful ill-will enlivens making a crappy character out of a person who has done you wrong. But doing can also be a lesson in life. It comes from recognition of someone's stupidity or egotism, and yet is written, like all good satire, in order to correct.

My story, "InnerSpace," is about Sossity Chandler, my ongoing character. She comes to a lounge called InnerSpace to do a fundraising concert. Before becoming a rock superstar, Sossity had played in the lounge and had been irritated by the host who did the shows, named Dallas. One night he comes on to her, and she has decided she'll go along with him, until he asks her, "So, do you want to spend the night with a future rock star?" Sossity almost laughs at him and says she has to go. A few weeks later, she asks if he would like to play blues. He agrees but, both times, backs out at the last minute, saying his guitar is messed up and he can't get it in tune. She realizes he had no intention whatsoever of playing blues with her and decides he is not worth her time. Later, Sossity makes it as a rock star. Dallas doesn't get the big break and remains a local player.

Once I asked a musician twice if he wanted to do some blues. Both times he agreed, and both times he backed out at the last minute. A girl told me he had asked her if she "wanted to spend the night with a future rock star" after I told her my story of him backing out of a blues jam. The guy went on to pursue a career as a rock star but never made it. Out of annoyance and amusement, I decided to write him up as a character.

Sossity plays a gig with the same guy years later. When she does a blues number, he is not able to keep up with her, gets the rhythm all wrong, and can't do a lead break when the time comes. She realizes he is an inferior musician. His arrogance toward her was designed to cover up his incompetence as a musician. He miffs all the five blues numbers they do together. Sossity covers for him. She also has an epiphany, a moment of enlightenment.

I think it was Captain Kangaroo (that great philosopher) who said that misbehavior by a child is not a challenge but a cry for help. I've often wondered if the same is true about arrogance, bullying, egotism, and snarkiness. Maybe not all the time, but a lot of the time these things are a camouflage for inadequacies people feel; or cover-ups for what they know is true but don't want to admit. Dallas is not a good musician. He can't play blues. He can't keep rhythm. His façade of superiority has been built to hide the fact. His failure to succeed in the musical world is proof of this. Sossity realizes as much and sees it as a learning experience. Though chagrined by his past misbehavior, she tells her boyfriend as they settle down to bed that night, "'He's a real jerk-off but I feel bad for him.'"

Writing is said to be therapeutic. It's a way to get bad things out of you. For years, when I was learning the craft, I did "morning pages" as suggested Julia Cameron in her book The Artist's Way. When I wrote about certain phases of my past, I astonished myself at how the writing so easily turned angry, vulgar, and resentful.

It's not good to be angry. It's even worse to be angry and not know you're angry. 

Writing those pages, and writing stories, got the anger out of me. Remembering those mild insults from an ego-driven musical want-to-be who never made it big and never will supplied the material for the story, yet not in a gleeful, vindictive way. It's sad that people are like he was back then. The same thing can be said for people who displayed less-than-ideal attitudes in graduate school. A lot of them are detritus now as well. The stellar scholarly projects they thought they would do never materialized. Those in writer's group who arrogantly criticized my early work are still in writer's group and have published nothing. And so it goes. Writing can get these hurts out. At the same time, it creates healing rather than anger.

"InnerSpace" appeared in 34^th Parallel, which is a print magazine. That story marked the first time I got my name on the cover of a magazine. You can order a hard copy or get it online.

ShadowCity is a great summer read.

Other titles are available.